Michael Schwern
International Consultant Of Mystery, eval Empire

As a speaker at OSCON I believe we should all strive to create a fun, educational, enjoyable and harassment-free conference experience for everyone.

I’m pleased to say Tim O’Reilly thinks so too!

If you are being harassed, or witness harassment please report it to venue security, the police, the conference organisers or a trusted friend. You do not have to put up with it.

For more detail on what a code of conduct which includes an anti-harassment policy should contain, please review the geekfeminism wiki conference anti-harassment policy template

Schwern has a copy of Perl 6, he lets Larry Wall borrow it and take notes.

Schwern once sneezed into a microphone and the text-to-speech conversion was a regex that turns crap into gold.

Damian Conway and Schwern once had an arm wrestling contest. The superposition still hasn’t collapsed.

Schwern was the keynote speaker at the first YAPC::Mars.

When Schwern runs a smoke test, the fire department is notified.

Dan Brown analyzed a JAPH Schwern wrote and discovered it contained the Bible.

Schwern writes Perl code that writes Makefiles that write shell scripts on VMS.

Schwern does not push to master, master pushes to Schwern.

SETI broadcast some of Schwern’s Perl code into space. 8 years later they got a reply thanking them for the improved hyper drive plans.

Schwern once accidentally typed “git pull —hard” and dragged Github’s server room 10 miles.

There are no free namespaces on CPAN, there are just modules Schwern has not written yet.

Schwern’s tears are said to cure cancer, unfortunately his Perl code gives it right back.